


i could start fires with what i feel for you

by fannyann



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, M/M, Road Trips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-15
Updated: 2014-10-15
Packaged: 2018-02-21 06:27:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2458202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fannyann/pseuds/fannyann
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Can we just stop this? I’m so tired, Luke. I don’t want to be like this anymore.” </p>
<p>“I don’t either. Don’t look at me like that. I <i>don’t</i>.”</p>
<p>“Then let’s stop. Let’s just go back to how it was before.</p>
<p>“Before what? It’s not that simple!” Luke says, getting frustrated. “We can’t just go back to how things were before if we never <i>talk</i> about anything!” </p>
<p> </p>
<p> <i>or; sometimes all it takes to fix a broken thing is a cross country road trip.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	i could start fires with what i feel for you

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you Sarah for beta'ing this and being a constant cheerleader. Thanks to Tara for helping me pinpoint devastatingly accurate songs to listen to in order to portray this fic.
> 
> It was inspired in large part by [this](http://41.media.tumblr.com/801637a3dc29aa41378596afb3c7fd19/tumblr_nb905xhTCn1qjnhqgo1_500.jpg) text message, [this quote](http://fannyann.tumblr.com/post/99075707952) and 5sos' songs Close As Strangers and If You Don't Know. 

Luke’s looking out at the sea, tide coming up and brushing over his toes in the sand, thinking about how this is nothing like he expected it to be. He’d thought it’d be easier -- thought him and Calum could get back to where they had been over Christmas before he’d gone back to school -- get back to how things had always been, easy and fun and just the two of them laughing together -- them against the world.

He and Calum haven’t spoken more than disjointed sentences to each other since they started this whole thing nearly a week ago. The conversation is slow and awkward and Luke doesn’t think they’ll ever get back to where they were before Calum had sent him that text at two in the morning three months ago. The one that they never spoke of again, but still changed everything between the two of them. The words _I want to kiss you everywhere_ playing at the back of Luke’s mind no matter how much he tried to shut them down, remembering Michael’s pleading voicemail he’d gotten the next morning saying: _Please, if you value anything between you and Cal, do not look at your texts from last night. Please, Luke._

He hadn’t listened to the message soon enough, though. He’d been tired and groggy and the first thing he did was wake up and thumb open the message from Calum. The words made his stomach swoop and his hands clam up. It’s been all he wanted to hear for so long, but then he’d gone to school and made new friends and Calum had stayed back home and he didn’t know anymore. He wishes Calum would have said something before, wishes he would have said something years ago when he’d first gone off to school, wishes he wouldn’t have waited until he was drunk and lonely on a night out with Michael to tell him. Luke wishes he could look at Calum now and think about his best friend, not have to worry about what the truth behind those words were and how much he meant them -- still not sure if they were said with sincerity.

He wishes he had the courage to ask Calum about it. Wishes he could look him in the eyes and says, “I’d like that, too,” instead of bottling it up and tiptoeing around his best friend in the world, texting Michael after Calum’s fallen asleep in the hotel: _I just don’t know Mikey. It’s not the same anymore._

But then he feels a warmth against his shoulder, Calum’s chin resting on him for what feels like the first time in forever -- familiar and soft like it’s always supposed to be and Luke tenses up just the slightest bit at the touch.

“Luke,” Calum says over Luke’s shoulder, hands coming up and squeezing slightly at his waist.

The gesture makes Luke shiver. It’s the first bit of contact that Calum’s given him in so long and it feels important, like Calum’s saying he’s trying and Luke breathes out, “Yeah, Cal?”

Calum doesn’t say anything for a long time. He just stands there with his hands at Luke’s waist, chin hooked over Luke’s shoulder, breathing in time with Luke as the tide rises around them.

Luke is about to pull away, tell Calum they should get back to the hotel. He wants to make an excuse about his feet being cold in the water, anything to get away from the deafening silence that’s creeping in around the two of them, but then Calum squeezes his waist, pressing in closer against Luke’s back and says, “Nothing. I just wanted to be sure,” and Luke can’t move from his spot.

“Be sure of what?”

“This. Us. That we could still be us,” Calum says softly, like he’s telling a secret and Luke lets himself ease up, tension flooding out of his body, thinking, _Maybe we can get past this._

*

The brief reprieve in awkwardness -- the feeling that they’d leave that text behind them and get back to normal -- only lasts until they leave the beach. Calum pulls Luke along by the wrist the entire way up to the hotel but it’s almost as if opening the door into their small, dingy little room snaps him out of whatever made him comfortable enough to touch Luke -- comfortable enough to reach out and pretend that they were okay. The door shuts and Calum’s hand falls from Luke’s wrist, he pulls it back quickly like Luke had shocked him and grimaces, turning away from Luke and heading for his bed. He mumbles goodnight and then pulls the comforter up to his chin, closing his eyes and leaving Luke standing at the entrance of their hotel room -- shocked and exhausted by how quickly Calum could take away any hope that they’d ever be the same.

He steps back outside, taking his phone out of his pocket and tapping his fingers against it until the beat of his heart evens out and the sound of it pounding in his ears subsides and he can breathe evenly enough to talk to someone without giving away how upset he is. He calls Michael and all the effort he’d put into calming down dissipates the moment he hears Michael’s voice, low and laced with concern. “Hey, Lukey, everything alright?”

His throat tightens up, the words getting stuck, and he just breathes in sharp through his nose, slumping down against the door. He stretches his legs out, listening to the soft sound of his shoes tapping against the concrete beneath him and hopes that Michael will just let him breathe down the line until he calms down.

“Why’d you call? Is Cal alright?”

The mention of Calum and the implication in Michael’s voice that Calum would be the one that wasn’t fine has Luke throwing his head back against the door a little harder than he should have, groaning at the dull pain coursing through the back of his skull, laughing at his own misery.

“Yeah, Calum’s fine,” he says bitterly.

Michael sucks in a breath at his tone and Luke can imagine the way Michael’s mouth is probably pulled down in a from, the concerned furrow of his brow probably deepening with Luke’s words and it makes him feel worse than he already does. Michael asks, voice softer than before, “Okay. Are _you_ alright?”

It should be a simple question. The answer should be _yes_. He should be more than alright. He should be ecstatic that the boy he’s called his best friend for the last six years is here in LA about to embark on a cross country road trip with him. But it’s not that simple. The question’s loaded and Luke sighs out, frustrated, voice cracking a bit in a way that suggests maybe he’s having a harder time keeping his emotions together than he thought. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You don’t sound very fine.”

Luke sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose before continuing, “I don’t think we’re ever gonna be alright again, Mikey.”

“No, don’t say that. He’s just --”

“I know about the message. I read it.”

“Oh. Well then, you know exactly what he is,” Michael says. His voice is pinched and Luke doesn’t need to see his face to know how disappointed he is. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“Didn’t know what to say. It’s not that easy.”

“Luke,” Michael says, warning. He breathes in slowly before asking, “Why’d you invite Calum on this road trip?”

Luke brings his legs up against his chest, resting his chin on the top of his knees, sighing out exaggeratedly and Michael laughs briefly, saying, “Don’t try and change the subject. He’s my best friend, Luke.”

Luke prickles, the hairs at the back of his neck standing, nostrils flaring in anger, “He’s _my_ best friend, too!”

Michael’s voice is steady, practiced almost, as he says, “No. That’s what you both want. But it’s not been that way in years. There’s something more there for him and if you read that message you know that. I don’t know why you invited him out, man, but I suggest you use it to figure out what you feel about him.”

Luke’s chest feels tight, skin heating up in a way that has nothing to do with the heat and everything to do with the fact that Michael thinks he doesn’t care about Calum the same way. That Michael -- and probably Calum, too -- could ever think that Luke hasn’t been harboring secret feelings for Calum for nearly the entire time he’s known him.

“That’s not fair, Michael. I lov- I really care about him.”

“I know that. I do. But look, there’s something that’s kept you from talking to him about that message for the last three months and it’s not--”

Luke can hear Michael running his hand through his hair in frustration and it makes his heart ache, he just wants to be home in this moment. He wants to wrap Michael up in a hug and tell him he’s sorry for putting him through this, for leaving him with the duty of playing middle man between the two of them. But he’s not home. He’s sitting in front of a cheap hotel room door, shoulders tensing, as one of his best friends lies in a bed not talking to him while the other breathes down the line saying, “It’s not Ca-”

Luke cuts him off, suddenly feeling very angry, not wanting to hear Michael defend Calum and not take his feelings on the matter into consideration. “It’s not what? It’s not Calum? Because it _is_ Calum! He never _said_ anything to me after, either. You call me and tell me not to fucking look at it like I’m supposed to ignore it. So I do. And then Calum starts pulling back. Stops texting me. Stops _acting like my friend_. And then you sit here and tell me it’s not Calum that kept me from talking to him about that message. Don’t tell me that, Michael. How was I _supposed_ to react to that?”

His temper deflates, shoulders slumping further, and Michael sighs down the line. “Okay. Okay, Luke.”

He’s laughing and that makes Luke feel easier; the sound is familiar and comforting and it carries over to him and it nearly hurts how much he laughs when Michael says, “I can’t believe you two. This is typical.”

“It’s not typical at all!”

“It _is._ I cannot believe you got that message and thought anything other than him liking you. Are you serious?”

“Yes! He never said anything about it!”

“And neither did you! God, I can’t believe this, honestly. Look, there’s obviously something else going on here. Because Calum flat out told you he wanted to kiss you everywhere and you never said anything - and don’t interrupt me - there’s something keeping you from telling him what you feel back and it’s nice that you invited him out on this trip but you’ve gotta figure out if it was to get back to how you both were before or if you want it to be something else. Because Calum’s gonna take whatever you give him and I swear to God, Luke, if you fuck around with him this summer I’m not gonna be as forgiving.”

Michael’s words have more weight to them than anything he’s ever thought before. He’s right. Luke cares about Calum but it’s not that easy. He doesn’t know if he’s ready to dive into something that could ruin what they do have for the rest of their lives. He doesn’t know if it’s worth it and that terrifies him. Terrifies him that he could ever doubt that Calum’s worth it because Calum’s always been worth it before.

He breathes out, biting at the fabric over his knee, deep in thought, before saying, “Okay. I’m going to figure it out. You know I’m not gonna hurt him. I’d never do that.”

Luke can hear the smile in Michael’s voice as he says, “I know you wouldn’t try to. But things are a bit complicated with you two right now. So just be careful..”

He trails off, laughing as he finishes, “And don’t kill each other. I love you both too much for that.”

The seriousness of the conversation before is gone then, him and Michael laughing in kind now. Luke sobers up to say, “Alright. We’ve got an early start in the morning. I’ve got to go.”

Michael’s voice slips back into something serious, a hint of concern there at the edges, as he says, “Keep me posted, Luke,” and Luke says he will before hanging up, staying outside for another fifteen minutes thinking about all the information coursing through his mind before finally going inside. Calum turns over in his sleep and there’s a brief moment of panic that courses through Luke’s body that he may have heard everything he just said, but then he shifts more and Luke can see that his face is soft and his eyes shut, breathing slow and even and Luke calms. He kicks off his shoes and strips out of his jeans and climbs into bed, hoping that in the morning he’ll wake up and know what to do about Michael’s words running around his head and how to become Calum’s best friend again or if he still wants more.

*

Calum’s phone goes off a little before nine and he answers it, voice rough from sleep, “Mikey, it’s early. Why’re you calling?”

Luke’s too tired, eyes still sticky with sleep, to try and listen for what Michael says, but he doesn’t miss the look Calum gives him. There’s a sharpness in his eyes as he rolls out of bed, hurrying into the bathroom and mumbling into the phone where Luke can barely make it out, “Hold on, lemme go somewhere else.”

Luke kicks off the sheets, frustrated that whatever happened between the two of them last night was obviously just a fluke. That Calum is going to be just as difficult to be around the rest of this trip as he’s been all week and that Luke’s going to have to put all his effort into fixing things. He’s exhausted just thinking about it and when Calum comes out of bathroom ten minutes later, shoulders slumped, Luke can’t help but ask, “Do you just wanna go home, Cal?”

Calum’s head snaps up, eyebrows furrowing together, voice slow and forced calm, “No. Do you?”

Luke’s still in bed, propping himself up with his elbows and he feels more vulnerable than he’d like. He wants to pull the covers up around him and hide away from the look on Calum’s face, the look of disdain coloring his features no matter how hard he’s trying to stay calm. Luke sits up all the way, pulling his legs up toward his chest in an attempt to make himself small, shrink away from the feeling of his friendship slipping away from him right before his eyes, muttering, “No, I just - you don’t seem to want to be here.”

“I wouldn’t have come if I didn’t want to be here,” he says flatly.

Luke tightens his grip around his chest, shrugging, “Okay.”

Calum’s face softens a little at the sight of how pathetic Luke looks curled in on himself, saying with an attempt at teasing, “Oh come on, don’t be like that. We’ve got a long drive today -- it’ll be no fun if you’re pouting the entire time.”

Luke tries to smile, but the fact that they’ve done this all week, the fact that Calum has thrown him a bone and given him a glimpse of what it’d been like before just to pull it away and fold in on himself and away from Luke makes it to where he can’t fully. He knows they still have to work on this and it’s not going to fix itself immediately, but he just wants his best friend back, wants his Calum back. He pushes out of bed, pulling on his jeans from last night and looks up at Calum as he shuffles through his suitcase for a new shirt, saying as cheerfully as he can manage, “I never pout.”

Calum bites his lips, a small smile playing at the corners as he walks toward his suitcase to get dressed, shaking his head softly, “Alright, if you say so.”

There’s a slight reprieve in the awkward tension that Luke felt build up around the two of them since they got back in the hotel last night and Luke breathes easier as they gather their things and load up the car. Calum even takes the muffin Luke gets him on his way back from checking out without flinching away from the contact, just smiling and mumbling his thanks.

The car ride is intense, though. The two of them haven’t been in such confined proximity with each other for such a long period of time in ages and Luke thinks the aggressive silence Calum is putting him through might make him crawl out of his skin. He doesn’t say anything for the first four hours of the trip and when he does speak the only thing he says is, “I’m hungry.”

Luke’s so glad to hear his voice though, to hear the familiarity of Calum whining about being hungry, the crankiness in his voice finally coming from something other than Luke that he laughs, loud and full of air, saying, “Okay. Can you wait until we need to fill up or like, are you gonna die if we don’t stop now?”

It’s so easy to slip back into teasing with Calum and Calum just takes it, smiles back at him and gives him one of those looks he’s always given him, exasperated and fond, his eyebrows pinched together in a bit of annoyance, sighing, “No, Luke. I’m not going to _die_. But I might bite you if we don’t stop soon.”

The words come easy and he can’t stop them, “A fun bite or a painful one?” and the minute they’ve left his mouth he knows they’re not the right ones.

Calum inhales sharply. Luke steals a quick glance and sees that Calum’s slumped down in his seat a little, eyes closed and face pinched. He wants to take the words back, stuff them back in his mouth and swallow them down, but Calum just breathes out slowly, saying, “I’m too hungry for this conversation right now,” and that’s the end of the talking. Calum doesn’t say another word to him until they’ve pulled over and stopped for food, asking carefully, “Can we eat here? Your car’s getting a little stuffy.”

“Yeah, whatever you want.”

A look flashes over Calum’s face at Luke’s words, a mixture of relief and anger and Luke doesn’t understand, but Calum smiles just as quickly, mumbling his thanks and Luke doesn’t want to press the issues -- doesn’t even know how to press the issue anymore because everything about talking to Calum feels so foreign now.

They sit and eat in silence, Calum’s feet tapping under the table, and Luke’s reminded of the first day he’d met Calum. How Calum had sat behind him in homeroom on the first day of freshman year and the way he couldn’t stop shaking his foot, the movement jostling Luke’s desk. It had annoyed him then, but now it’s something he’s so used to that it’s almost comforting. A small gesture reminding him that Calum’s still the same person he’s always known, the same boy that gets nervous and taps his feet, the same one that’s been with him through so much of his life and it’s enough to get him through lunch and back into the car without his mood completely dampening.

The second part of the ride goes faster, Calum drumming his hands on his legs with the music, smile growing larger with each mile that ticks away, and it’s almost like the presence of his smile calms Luke, makes him feel easier about everything between the two of them. He eventually looks over at Luke to ask, smile wide, “Do you want me to drive? I can drive!” and Luke laughs, loud and bright for the first time all week.

“You choose now to offer? We’ve only got an hour left!”

Calum shrugs his shoulders, suddenly sheepish, “Sorry I was going to ask earlier but you seemed so--”

Luke sees Calum gesture wildly out of the corner of his eye and it makes him laugh again, shaking his head in disbelief as Calum says, “Intent that i didn’t want to disturb you.”

“Of course and it has nothing to do with the fact that you just didn’t want to drive at all. Very considerate, really.”

“I know. Always so considerate. Very considerate,” Calum says, body language reflecting the joy in his voice and Luke nods, “Of course. But I can finish it out, it’s fine.”

Calum doesn’t say anything more, he just bounces in his seat excitedly, breathing out, “God, I can’t believe we’ve never seen the Grand Canyon before. Tomorrow’s gonna be sick.”

*

The Grand Canyon is definitely not sick. It’s large and boring and it smells so much like thin air and dirt that Luke wants to go back to the hotel the minute they step out of the car. But Calum looks down at the expanse before them like it’s one of the most magnificent things he’s ever seen and Luke thinks it’s worth every second spent in the heat. They ride donkeys down the river and Calum giggles the entire way, looking back at Luke like this is the best day of his life and Luke wishes he could bottle this moment up and keep it forever. On their way back up to the car Calum stops them at the edge, wanting to take another look before they leave.

“It’s beautiful isn’t it, Luke?”

Luke doesn’t see the appeal. It’s large and looking down into its depths makes his heart speed up in the most uncomfortable way. It reminds him of his geology professor and the droning voice she had when she would rattle on about intertonguing and sedimentary patterns and it makes his head hurt a bit thinking out how long it would take to form a canyon this size but Calum looks beautiful looking at it and Luke finds himself saying with complete sincerity, “Yeah, it is.”

Calum’s eyes light up even more then and he looks suddenly mischievous, mouth turning up in a devilish grin and Luke’s nervous.

“What?” he asks slowly, afraid to hear what Calum’s planning.

“Nothing. Just come here.”

Calum takes his hand, the feel of his fingers loose around his wrist making Luke feel electrified and it takes so much restraint not to pull away immediately as Calum leads him around the canyon to a part where there’s no one else around. It’s just the two of them looking out over the ledge into a great abyss, no gate in sight and for the first time all day Luke gets it -- it is kind of pretty.

Calum lets go of his hand and starts taking his shirt off, turning to Luke and nodding encouragingly, “Come on, now. You know we’ve always said we were gonna get naked at the Grand Canyon if we ever went and here we are.”

“We were fifteen!”

“And now we’re not. But we’re here and we’re doing it.”

There’s something in his tone that says this has nothing to do with that promise they made and everything to do with holding on to something of their past -- pretending that everything hasn’t changed so much between the two of them and Luke can’t say no to that because he so desperately wants to cling to it as well.

“Fine. It can be the first check in photo we send to Mikey. I’m sure he’ll love it.”

“Ha. He wants you to check in with him, too?” he asks in disbelief before mumbling more to himself than Luke, “Jesus, he’s a worrier.”

Luke wonders if that’s what Michael has called Calum about the previous morning or if they’d talked about something else, something more, but he doesn’t ask because he’s no longer sure if that’s his place. He just strips of his shirt and undoes his pants, stalling before pulling down his boxers, looking over at Calum for reassurance, hoping he’s not just trying to embarrass him.

Calum’s looking back at him, pants around his ankles and shirt hanging over his shoulder. He’s got laughter in his eyes and is smiling so widely that his face scrunches up with it. He lifts his phone up and laughs out, “Say cheese!” before snapping a picture and Luke feels like he’s seventeen on prom night again. The two of them running down by the water in their suits, giggling as Michael catches up to them, saying exasperatedly, “I just wanted a picture with you two!” He remembers the way Calum’s face had twisted up into the same mischievous smile and the way he’d pulled Michael in by the neck, holding his phone up and smiling, “Say cheese, Mikey!” and how after he’d pulled Luke in, the three of them cramming together as Calum held his arm out to take a photo of the three of them. Calum had inspected it after with a glint in his eyes, but still mumbled disgruntledly, “Happy now, Mikey?”

He remembers the feeling of comfort and joy that night and how he’d felt like nothing could ever come between the three of them. He remembers looking at Calum and feeling like he was home and how even then it scared him. But now, standing here at the edge of the Grand Canyon with his shirt off and his pants around his ankles with a smirking Calum looking back at him he still feels that same thing. He still looks at Calum and his stomach twists and his heart clenches up because even though they haven’t spoken properly in the last three months and there’s something coursing through them that Luke can’t seem to grasp, he still looks at Calum and thinks _home_ and Luke never wants that to go away.

“Luke?” Calum asks, bringing him out of his thoughts, “Are you okay? Your face has gone all wonky.”

He’s teasing but there’s an undercurrent of concern in his voice and Luke’s heart quickens, shaking his head, “Yeah, I’m fine.”

Calum furrows his eyebrows, not convinced, but he doesn’t say anything and Luke takes his silence as opportunity to drop his boxers, turning back toward the canyon and laughing outright, “Hurry up, Cal, I’m not staying like this forever.”

Luke doesn’t look, he can’t -- he thinks he might physically burn up if he looked at Calum standing there completely naked. He just keeps his head forward and laughs about the ridiculousness until Calum’s laughter joins his and he finally says, “You’re blushing, Luke.”

Luke shakes his head, bending down to pull his pants back up. He stands up and tugs his shirt back on before facing Calum, who’s done the same, and says slightly defensively, “I was not.”

Calum’s mouth turns down in a frown, lips pursed. “I wasn’t - sorry.”

Whatever awkwardness that they had slowly chipped away at all day starts creeping back up around them and Luke laughs in frustration, feeling like this is headed nowhere fast. He scrubs at his face with the heels of his hands and then digs his phone out of his pocket, sighing, “Sorry. I’m not trying to be weird.”

He pulls his camera up and then snaps a quick picture right as Calum’s face is softening into something sweeter, something so reminiscent of endearment that Luke smiles happily. He thinks about sending it to Michael, but there’s something about the look on Calum’s face and how it was just for him that stops him from sending it -- instead he wants to keep it all to himself.

Calum clears his throat, scratching at the back of his neck, “Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah, did you send it to Michael?”

“What?”

“The picture,” Luke clarifies as Calum’s face clouds in confusion.

“Oh no, I was going to --”

He coughs, spluttering, “I was. I can send it now.”

He looks embarrassed, cheeks coloring and Luke wants to place a hand on his shoulder and calm him but he doesn’t think that’s his place anymore. Instead, he smiles as soothingly as he can, breathing out, “It’s fine. C’mere, let’s take one together and send it to him.”

Calum’s mouth pinches together briefly, nostrils flaring slightly and Luke thinks he might say no, might refuse, but then he comes closer, pressing his side next to Luke’s and Luke takes the picture. The moment after he’s snapped it and lowered his hand Calum jerks away from him like he’s been electrocuted and Luke’s heart sinks momentarily, trying to swallow down the feeling rising inside him that’s saying they’ll never have more than a day of normality -- not at this rate.

But Calum takes his hand and drags him back to the car, smiling back at him over his shoulder and Luke thinks maybe it won’t ever be how it was before but they’ll get to something comfortable again, eventually. And really, that’s all he wants.

*

The drive to Phoenix the next day is worse than the first one. Calum can’t sit still the entire drive. He drums his fingers against the steering wheel and fidgets with the radio the entire time he’s driving and when it’s Luke’s turn Calum taps his feet against the floorboards in time with the music. It makes Luke feel anxious, like Calum’s going to fidget out of his skin any moment.

“Did you drink too much coffee this morning? What is with you?”

His voice comes out edgier than he’d wanted but Calum doesn’t seem to take offense, he just laughs and the sound is comforting to Luke’s ears. “Sorry, I’m just. Your cars fucking tiny, man. It’s making me all--”

“Fidgety. I know,” Luke answers for him and Calum laughs, soft and light but it fills the air between them and makes the tension in Luke’s body dissipate.

Calum says, “Yeah, it’s like, God, after yesterday we just had so much room around us that everything feels so cramped now. It’s making my skin crawl.”

“That and you’re not really pleased to be stuck in a quiet car with me for ten hours,” Luke says, trying not to sound so bitter about it.

Calum finally stills, sitting in his seat for a long moment, completely silent for the first time the entire ride. The miles fly by and the day dwindles on and it’s nearly an hour before Calum speaks again, sighing like no time has passed at all, “It’s not like that. It’s just--”

“Complicated,” Luke finishes, and Calum laughs, short and almost bitterly, “Yeah.”

“Yeah, I see that. But I wish it wasn’t.”

In this moment it feels like he’s never meant something so much in his entire life. The words hang heavy in the air and Calum doesn’t respond immediately and when he does it’s quick and mumbled, “Neither do I. But it is.”

He says it with a sort of finality to the conversation that leaves Luke feeling just as restless as Calum had before and the rest of the drive is just as miserable as the day Calum arrived in LA. The two of them don’t talk until they get to the hotel and Calum asks, “Can we just not do this tonight?”

“What do you mean?” Luke asks in genuine confusion and Calum walks off frustratedly, shaking his head and saying, “Nothing. Never mind.”

He walks into the lobby and checks in, leaving Luke to follow behind him awkwardly-- lost as to what’s going on once again.

It’s not until they’re in the room that Calum explains. He sets his bag down on the table by the window and then sits on the bed closest to it. He stands back up and sits down and then he makes a noise in the back of his throat somewhere between a growl and a sigh and it makes the hairs on the back of Luke’s neck raise. Calum presses the heels of his hands to his eyes briefly before standing up quickly, looking at Luke still standing at the entrance of the room, and he sighs out, long and exasperated, saying, “Can we just stop this? I’m so tired, Luke. I don’t want to be like this anymore.”

“I don’t either. Don’t look at me like that. I _don’t_.”

“Then let’s stop. Let’s just go back to how it was before.”

“Before what? It’s not that simple!” Luke says, getting frustrated. “We can’t just go back to how things were before if we never _talk_ about anything!”

Calum’s shoulders slump and he sinks back down on his bed and Luke is so tightly wound at this point. He picks up his bag from where he’d dropped it at the door and heads to the bathroom, calling back to Calum, “Whatever. I can’t do this anymore than you can. But I don’t even feel like you’re trying.”

He shuts the door before Calum can respond and turns the shower on as hot as it will go. He lets the water run over him until his skin is pink from the heat and the stream starts to cool. He exits the bathroom, hoping that Calum might be asleep, just to find him sitting cross-legged in the middle of what Luke thought was his bed, thumbs typing furiously at his phone. Calum looks up with a smile as Luke sets his bag down again before asking, “What’re you doing? I thought you wanted the other bed?”

“I did. But I’m forcing you to be my friend again. So we’re going to sit in this bed together like we’ve always done and then it won’t be awkward anymore.”

Luke furrows his eyebrows in disbelief and Calum just says brightly, “It’s worth a shot. Besides, you look like you need a good cuddle. Come on.”

“Calum,” Luke warns.

“Luke,” Calum says back, almost pleading.

“We have to talk about this.”

“No, not yet. We don’t. We’re best friends, Lukey.” Calum blushes and Luke can feel his cheeks heat and the sound of the nickname, too, the word feeling so foreign to his ears and Calum continues, voice forced even, “We can do whatever we want.”

“I want to,” Luke starts, but then stops at the sight of Calum’s face. He’s pulled his legs up toward his chest and his face reflects the pleading tone of his voice from before and Luke crumbles, shoulders easing up and he crawls in the bed next to Calum, sighing, “Fine. But eventually we will have to talk about this.”

Calum shrugs next to him. “Maybe not.”

Luke looks at him, trying to be stern but Calum’s looking back at him with a twinkle in his eyes and he can’t do it, his voice just comes out endeared, “You’re being stubborn.”

“Yes, I am. But I think that’s my right in this situation.” He’s joking. His tone is light and playful but Luke knows the words are coming from a place of sincerity and he doesn’t fight them, just wraps his arm around Calum and pulls him in, savoring the way he barely flinches at all at the contact.

Calum presses in against him after a moment, sinking down a little and burrowing his head against the crook of Luke’s neck, breathing in and saying, breath tickling the skin above Luke’s collar,“You smell like old soap.”

Luke feels Calum wrinkle his nose against him and Luke can’t help but laugh at how childish Calum sounds. “And you smell like stale boy, but you don’t see me complaining.”

Calum pushes away from Luke, feigning hurt, “Lucas, that’s rude.”

And just like that they’re back to how things were before. There’s still all these thoughts and questions flying around Luke’s head but Calum’s smiling at him big and wide and everything feels right. Everything else can wait because right now he’s got his best friend back -- he’s got his Calum back -- and he doesn’t want to do anything to jeopardize that.

*

He wakes up the next day at half past one. His head hurts and his mouth feels cottony from sleep. There’s a faint sound of tapping coming from his right and it makes the pain behind his eyes flare up, groaning, “Stop that.”

He stirs in his bed, pulling the blanket up over his eyes and pushing down against his pillow, breathing in deep to try and fight back the pain. The mattress shifts next to him and there’s a slight tug at the blankets above him, Calum’s fingers threading gently through Luke’s hair as he quietly asks, “Are you alright?”

“Shh. Your voice,” he mumbles into his pillow. Calum moves closer. His leg presses in closer against Luke’s side and it’s slightly comforting, having Calum this close. Luke turns onto his side and squints up at where Calum’s looking down at him with a small, sympathetic smile, and nearly whimpers, “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

Calum smiles and his eyes widen a little in shock, voice coming out loud, “Are you serious?”

His face softens and his voice quiets as he looks at the pained expression on Luke’s face, reaching out with his hand to push back the hair falling over Luke’s forehead, “Sorry. You know I hate waking you up. You’re always cranky.”

Luke scoffs. “I am not!”

Calum tilts his head to the side, eyes narrowed in disbelief and Luke laughs, “Okay maybe a little. But you should’ve woken me.”

Calum gets up and it takes everything in him not to pull Calum back in by the wrist, make him stay in bed with him, but Calum just looks down at him, smile still playing at his lips, “Luke, you can barely open your eyes you’ve got such a bad headache. I obviously did the right thing.”

He sounds smug and it makes Luke laugh, regretting it a second later when the pain behind his eyes flares back up again and Calum shakes his head, walking quietly to his bag and shuffling through its contents until he pulls out a small bottle and walks it over to Luke. “Good thing I packed smart.”

He tips out two small pills and hands them over to Luke and Luke grimaces, “I don’t have water.”

He pouts up at Calum and hopes that it still works on him even after all this time and Calum just sighs, walking over to get him a cup of water, bringing it back and saying, “I see you’re still a pain in the ass when you’ve got a headache.”

Luke sits up a little, taking the medicine and his pout deepens, “I’m not.”

“You are a little.” Calum says with a smile, pinching his fingers together to gesture how much of a pain in the ass Luke is and Luke laughs at how familiar this all feels.

Calum pushes at Luke’s shoulder, saying, “Scoot over,” as he lifts the blanket up and climbs in next to Luke, pressing himself against Luke’s side.

Luke finds himself asking again, for the second time in the last twenty four hours, “What’re you doing?”

“I’m laying with you until your head stops hurting.”

Luke makes to say he doesn’t have to but the words never find their way out before Calum’s tugging him closer, pulling Luke close to his chest, laughing slightly at the grimace Luke makes, saying, “Or I could call Michael. If you don’t want me here.”

Luke’s hand tighten instinctively in the fabric of Calum’s shirt and Calum momentarily tenses under the weight of Luke’s touch, and Luke balks, pulling away quickly and Calum coughs awkwardly, “Sorry, still trying to get used to this again.”

Luke shakes his head, fighting back the pain still flaring up behind his eyes, “No, I understand.” He lies back on the bed, looking up at the ceiling and continues, “It’s fine. You don’t have to force yourself to be comfortable with me, Cal. I’m just gonna sleep this headache off and then we can do whatever you want. Promise. Go call, Mikey.”

Calum looks down at him, mouth pressed in a thin line, considering. His shoulders slump forward a little but he smiles, anyway. “Okay. But don’t - I dunno. Don’t let things get weird again, okay?”

“Okay. I won’t.” He wants to mean it, he’s pretty sure he means it, he just doesn’t know how easily it’ll be when Calum’s still having so much trouble being near him and so much of the time all Luke wants to do is wrap himself around him . But Calum smiles appreciatively at how sincere Luke sounds and Luke swears he’s going to try his best not to let things get weird between the two of them again.

He wakes up later to the sound of Calum’s voice coming from the bathroom, saying, “No, Michael. Stop. It’s not like that.”

He’s still a little groggy from sleep but his head doesn’t hurt anymore and he tries not to listen, tries to bury his face into his pillow and block out the sound of Calum’s sad voice saying, “He doesn’t want me like that. I’m just trying to be his friend now.” But he hears it clearly and Luke wishes he hadn’t because it breaks his heart a little and makes him feel like a coward hiding in his bed pretending he doesn’t hear Calum -- pretending he doesn’t know about the text -- pretending he’s ever felt completely platonic about him, either.

But maybe Luke is a coward. He can’t come out and say _I want to kiss you everywhere, too_ anymore than he can say _I don’t want to act on anything can we please just be friends?_ So instead he desperately clings to the notion that if they can just get through this road trip in one piece they’ll be back to normal -- like nothing from the last three months had happened at all.

Unfortunately, try as Luke might, things still get weird between the two of them again. Calum spends the rest of the day shrinking away from Luke anytime he gets too close and dinner is once again spent in complete silence. Luke resigns himself to the fact that this is probably how the whole trip is going to be: for every step they take forward they’ll take two steps back.

*

Their drive to Texas is completely miserable. Luke’s stressed himself out so much about Calum that he’s given himself one of the worst headaches he’s ever had. The dull pain behind his eyes builds up to an overwhelming ache with every mile that passes and two hours into the drive Luke has to exit so they can prematurely switch shifts because he just can’t take it anymore. Calum doesn't’ seem to mind but it makes Luke feel terrible and for the first time since Calum joined him in LA he’s glad to be getting the silent treatment. He curls up in his seat and falls asleep without feeling too bad about leaving Calum alone to drive -- considering they wouldn’t be talking even if he was awake.

He wakes up later to the smell of gasoline and a buzzing in his pocket.

Calum’s filling up, his phone held up to his ear and a wide smile plastered on his face and Luke’s chest hurts looking at it knowing how easily that smile used to be directed at him and how rare it is now for Calum to smile at him at all, especially like that. His phone keeps buzzing and he’s forced to look away from Calum. He pulls his phone out and answers, trying not to grumble, “Hi, mom. How are you?”

“I’m fine. Just calling to check on you. I haven’t heard from you in a while.”

There’s a slight tinge of concern in her voice and Luke feels bad for not calling, heart sinking farther at how much he keeps messing up.

“Sorry, I’ve just been --”

He struggles to find the words to say. He can’t tell her the truth about how he’s been so busy trying to salvage a crumbling friendship he’d forgotten to call but he hates lying to her. Luckily she seems to see he’s struggling and finishes for him, laughing excitedly, “I know, sweetie! You’ve been so busy. You must be having such a good time seeing all these new places.”

He jumps a little as Calum sits back down in the car and his mom asks, laughter dying down a bit, “Everything alright?”

"Yeah it’s fine,” he says and Calum looks at him curious, features only smoothing out when Luke mouths _it’s my mom_ , before continuing his conversation with her. “Calum just scared me a bit. You know him, always so quiet when he gets in the car.”

His mom laughs and Calum does, too, and for a brief moment Luke feels normal again. But then his mom’s saying, “I’ll let you go, Luke. Don’t want to keep you two away from your adventure. Tell Cal I said ‘hi’,” and there’s nothing to keep Luke occupied from the silence Calum’s subjecting him to but the faint sound of the radio.

*

They stop in a little town outside of Odessa and Luke thinks Calum is finally going to break his silence but then his phones rings and he steps out of the hotel room and Luke’s left alone with his thoughts for far too long. By the time Calum comes back in the room Luke has showered and folded and reorganized the contents of his duffle bag at least three times.

“What’re you doing?”

Luke hates how much the sound of Calum’s voice startles him because it should have never gotten to this point -- he should have never let it get to this point. He says with a forced smile, not meaning to let the bitterness seep into his voice, “Oh, nothing. Just keeping myself busy while you ignore me.”

“I’m not--”

Luke cuts him off before he can finish, trying not to sneer, “You _are_ ignoring me, Calum.”

Calum laughs awkwardly, fidgeting with the hem of his tank top, “Okay, maybe a little bit. But _you’re_ not exactly giving me a lot to work with. You’re not exactly talking to me either!”

“Hey! That’s not fair. I’m trying. Don’t turn this around on me.”

Calum’s body language shifts and Luke knows he’s made a mistake before he speaks. Before Calum had been defensive, standing with his shoulders slumped and eyes darting around the floor. But now, his hands are clasped in tight fists at his side, his shoulders are squared, and he says low and icy cold, “Don’t you dare make this out to be my fault, Luke. Don’t you fucking dare.”

“I’m not trying to make anything out to be your fault! But Jesus Christ, we have to _talk_ about this. We’re never going to be able to get past whatever the fuck is going on between us and get back to normal if you keep boxing me out.”

Calum’s shoulders slump again, his whole body seeming to lose its fight and Luke doesn’t like how vulnerable he looks. Calum sighs, pleading, “Please, Luke. I can’t talk about this right now. _Please_ drop it.”

But he can’t drop it. He can’t -- not when Calum makes him feel so much and he wants so much and he just wants Calum to admit what’s going on so they can talk about this. So they can finally work this out and move on.

He steps forward, trying to reach out and comfort Calum but he just shrinks away from it, pressing himself back against the door and Luke doesn’t move any further, saying softly, “But you’re my best friend we can talk about anything.”

Calum pulls his hands up and crosses them around his chest and he looks like he might start crying soon, begging, “Please. Please stop. That’s exactly why I can’t tell you.”

And Luke knows with absolute certainty now that he is a coward. Calum’s standing in front of him looking like he might dissolve into tears and Luke can’t just say the thing that’s been running through his mind for so long. He can’t just say _I know about the text and it’s fine -- I still love you_ and ease all the turmoil that Calum’s putting himself through.

He hates himself for it but all he can say is, “Okay. But you don’t have to worry, Cal. You can tell me anything,” and hope that eventually Calum will make the first move toward fixing things.

*

In the morning though Calum is back to normal -- or at least as normal as things have ever been this entire trip. He wakes Luke up by pushing at his shoulder, pulling his face into mock terror as Luke opens his eyes and laughs, “Please don’t hurt me I’m just trying to get us outta here before checkout.”

It feels so much like something Calum would have said before, so much like something Calum has said before that Luke finds himself laughing and he can’t stop. It feels so right like this. Having Calum teasing him is the best thing to wake up to and he doesn’t want it to stop. He spends the entire ride to Austin doing ridiculous things just to elicit the same response from him and it works. Calum spends the entire time laughing and it feels so much like the summer before Luke left for college -- reminds him of how he, Michael, and Calum had spent so much of those three months in Michael’s car driving just to do something, laughing into the early hours of the morning until one of their parents would call worried and they’d drive back home just to do it all again the next night.

For the first time since they’ve started the trip Luke actually feels like going out by the time they check into the hotel -- no longer feeling like he needs to crawl into bed and sleep off a day’s worth of silence. They go to a restaurant down the street from their hotel and Calum teases him about not being able to order a drink yet but lets him drink half of his when no one’s looking and by the time they get back to the hotel Calum’s a little drunk and won’t stop touching Luke and it makes his skin burn but he can’t stop it. He doesn’t _want_ to stop it.

“Luke,” Calum drags out, pressing up behind him as Luke tries to open the door and Luke’s glad he’s facing the other way because the feel of Calum pressed against his back has him blushing so deeply he feels like he’s fourteen about to get his first kiss again.

“Luke,” Calum says more insistently when Luke is too slow to open the door. He slips his hand around Luke’s and guides him to open the door, muttering against the side of Luke's cheek, “Hurry up!”

Calum pushes Luke through the door, the two of them stumbling a bit and Luke nearly trips over his feet but Calum catches him by the waist, steadying him, laughing out, the sound bright and contagious in the room, “Be careful, there.”

“I wouldn’t need to be careful if you weren’t pushing me through the door,” Luke counters, laughing just as bright and Calum’s face scrunches up with his smile, large and wide and overwhelmingly happy.

“You’re blushing,” he says, reaching out and patting Luke’s cheek and Luke sighs against the touch, willing the heat of his cheeks to subside and not give away just how much he wants Calum to _keep_ touching him.

“I’m not,” Luke says softly and Calum brushes his thumb gently against Luke’s cheekbone and he knows there’s no use in denying it now, because he can feel the heat flaring up in his cheeks. He smiles and tries to change the subject, “ _You’re drunk_.”

Calum nods his head but continues brushing his thumb across Luke’s cheek, saying, “And you’re blushing.”

He’s insistent and it just makes Luke blush more, anchored to his spot, unable to move under the way Calum’s touching and looking at him so softly and all Luke can hear is the words _I want to kiss you everywhere_ ringing in his ears.

Calum steps forward right as Luke’s phone goes off and whatever moment they were having is broken, Luke pulls his phone out and answers, “Hey, Mikey,” trying not to let the disappointment in his voice shine through.

“What’s wrong?” Michael asks just as Calum grabs at the phone, taking it from Luke and nearly shouting, “Michael! Mikey! Mike!”

Luke steers Calum toward the bed, sitting him down before taking the phone back from Calum and catching the tail end of his laughter, coming back to Michael asking, “Cal, are you drunk?”

“Yes, he might’ve had too much to drink before eating tonight. Food didn’t quite sop it up in time.”

Michael laughs and Calum pouts up at Luke, “Put it on speaker. I wanna hear ‘im,” and Luke can’t say no to Calum’s pout on a good day, especially not when he’s endearingly drunk.

“You’re on speaker now. Don’t say anything you don’t want Cal to hear.”

Michael’s laugh comes through the phone in a burst and it warms Luke’s heart and makes him feel grounded, safe -- like whatever is happening between him and Calum is going to be fine because Michael is theirs and he’ll make sure it works out.

“Oh well then, I guess now’s not the time to tell you about the sex dream I had about him last night.”

Calum barks out a laugh but Luke’s stomach twists up in something that feels a lot like jealousy even though he _knows_ Michael’s joking. Maybe Michael can sense the tension even though he’s not in the room or maybe he just knew how it’d make Luke feel, but either way he changes the subject, voice evening out a bit under his laughter as he says, “You haven’t texted me in a while. Have you two killed each other? Or have you, y’know, been too busy?”

There’s a suggestive tone in his voice and Luke knows exactly what he’s referring to and it’s almost weird to watch how quickly Calum reacts to the statement. He shoots up from where he had been lying back in the bed, grabbing the pillow behind him and throwing it in the direction of Luke’s phone, saying loudly, “Michael! Shut up!”

“Calum! He’s not even in the room!” Luke says, somewhere between surprise and bewilderment at how viscerally Calum reacted, laughing uncomfortably.

“Did he just throw something at you?” Michael asks and Luke just shakes his head at the way Calum’s sitting with his legs tucked up against his chest pouting, saying, “Tell him I said fuck off.”

“Calum, I can hear you.”

“Whatever, fuck off,” Calum says again, pout deepening and Luke can’t help but smile at how adorable he looks, curled in on himself like this, saying to Michael, “Sorry we’ve not been texting. We’ve been busy, as you said.”

Luke can almost hear the way Michael perks up as he says, “Oh really, do tell.”

Calum’s eyes go wide momentarily before getting up and taking the phone from Luke and saying, “Bye Michael. We’ll talk to you later,” before hanging up the phone and throwing it on the bed.

He walks toward Luke and the atmosphere shifts. He places his hands on Luke’s shoulders, murmuring, “Luke.”

Luke’s hands go to Calum’s hips instinctively, and Calum's grip tightens around Luke’s shoulders.

“You’re drunk, Cal,”

“I know,” he says softly, closing the gap between the two of them more and Luke breathes in sharply, exhaling, “You’re _drunk_.”

Calum tips his head forward, resting it against Luke’s forehead, breathing out, “I know,” and Luke can’t help himself he pulls Calum forward into a hug, asking, “Just tell me what you want.”

Calum shakes his head against Luke’s shoulder, squeezing him tighter. “No, can’t.”

“Calum,” Luke starts, but Calum cuts him off, “No. Please let’s not talk. Let’s just stay here like this for a second.”

Luke squeezes Calum tight around the middle, saying back, “Of course. If that’s what you want,” and Calum melts into the touch, relaxing into the hug finally and Luke doesn’t press the issue anymore -- not when Calum’s finally giving him a little piece of what he wants but can’t muster the courage up to ask for.

*

The morning is nothing shy of awkward. Calum doesn’t wake up until after Luke’s showered and dressed and he looks up at him from his bed and then pulls the blanket over his face, groaning into it, “Oh God, did I try to throw a pillow at Michael through the phone last night?”

“Yes, you did,” Luke says, laughing at the way Calum squirms under the blanket and Luke doesn’t need to see his face to know he’s blushing.

“Oh, God. I wasn’t _that_ drunk.”

“No, not at all. But Michael was being an ass.”

He doesn’t say it with any heat in his voice but it seems to calm Calum, he peaks out from under the blanket and says, “Sorry if I was ridiculous.”

“It’s nothing I haven’t seen before. You don’t have to apologize.”

Calum throws the blanket off, yawning, “Why didn’t you stop me from drinking so much?”

He’s teasing, trying to get a rise out of Luke and Luke takes the bait, voice rising in disbelief, “How am I supposed to get you to stop drinking when I can’t even get you to talk to me half the time?”

Calum tenses but he doesn’t let it affect his voice. He just smiles and says, “You’re not trying hard enough,” before walking to the bathroom and turning the shower on, leaving no time for Luke to respond.

It makes him angry because he is trying and he can’t believe Calum thinks he’s not trying hard enough. He picks his phone up off the bedside table and texts Michael quickly: _please call me when you’re up :((_ and hopes he doesn’t take too long to wake up-- not knowing who else he can talk to this about if he doesn’t.

Calum’s still in the shower fifteen minutes later when Michael calls and Luke doesn’t feel bad for slipping out of the room and down the hall to answer the phone.

“Hey, Mikey,” Luke says and he’s too tired and too worked up to pretend he’s not upset.

“Oh, Luke, what’s wrong? I thought you two were making progress?”

Luke’s glad he doesn’t have to force the subject -- that Michael already knows -- because it makes it easier for Luke to admit, “Yeah, thought so, too.”

“What happened last night after Calum hung up on me?”

Luke sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose, no longer wanting to talk and Michael has to coax him, saying gently, “Come on, you can tell me. You wanted to talk about it earlier, you wouldn’t have asked me to call you if you didn’t.”

“Nothing happened last night. He just. I don’t know. I think it almost did and isn’t that the problem?” he asks, feeling his stomach tightening and then he can’t stop. He’s breathing out nervously, saying quickly, “I don’t even know what the fuck’s happening here! Every time I think we’re moving forward we move back and I’m so confused, Michael. And then this morning he’s teasing me about letting him drink so much last night and I’m a fucking idiot and I start talking about how I can’t make him talk to me half the time - oh don’t sigh at me like that. This isn’t exactly easy for me - and then he’s saying _you’re not trying hard enough_. And honestly, I just want to go home. I’m so tired, Mikey. I don’t know what to do if he thinks I’m not trying hard enough because I don’t feel like I can try any harder. I _am_ trying.”

It takes Michael a moment to say anything and Luke can see the face he’s making so clearly in his head, see the way Michael’s biting at his lip as he mulls his words over and it’s calming. Just hearing Michael breathe down the line is soothing and he thinks maybe they should just turn back around and go home -- let Michael help them figure this out because Luke thinks he might just be better at it than the two of them.

“You wanted this trip and you wanted Calum with you. I’m not gonna let you give up on it two weeks in. Hey, you can’t sigh at me either. There will be no more sighing in this conversation. We’re going to figure this out. Now, have you told him you know about the text?”

Luke almost sighs, catching himself before he does and laughs at how easy it is for him to do what Michael tells him, saying, “No, of course not.”

“What do you mean of course not?"

“I don’t - I don’t want to freak him out? I don’t know - stop! Don’t huff at me either! I can’t just say _oh I’ve been meaning to tell you I know about that text even though we’ve both never said anything about it before now_!”

“Why can’t you?”

“Michael, please,” he begs and Michael’s voice softens a little. He doesn’t sound nearly as exasperated when he says, “Luke, I think you’re going to have to make the first move.”

He pauses enough to let Luke suck in a sharp breath before continuing, “If y’know, that’s what you’ve decided you want. Calum’s not going to. He’s too messed up about this. He put himself out there for you and nearly had a panic attack when he realized what he’d done. Like, there’s a _reason_ I told you not to look at that message. He didn’t want you to. He didn’t want you to know. While you’ve been trying to wrap your head around that, he’s been trying to fall out of love with you. So _you_ have to make the first move. He’s already put himself out there for you. Don’t be a prick and make him do all the work.”

Luke’s pacing up and down the hall now. He remembers overhearing Calum saying he was just trying to be his friend and now Michael’s saying this and it makes his head spin a little -- not able to get anything out other than, “Fall out of love with me? I thought you said he liked me?”

“Oh my God,” Michael says, voice flaring up in exasperation again. “Is that all you took from that? Luke! You are being a child. Of course he fucking likes you. But you two have been growing apart since he sent that text and now he’s just trying to be your friend again because he thinks that’s all you want and I can’t blame him.”

“Hey,” Luke says, cheeks heating in anger, “That’s not fair!”

“You two are giving me a headache and I’m not anywhere near you. This is ridiculous. This whole thing is ridiculous and it’s not going to fix itself until you figure out what you want.”

“I just want Calum,” Luke admits, soft and scared and Michael sucks in a quick breath before breathing out slowly, saying cautiously, “And how do you want him?”

“I don’t know. I don’t _know_.”

Michael breaks his own rule, sighing in response to Luke’s answer. He laughs at his own mistake, saying, “You’ve gotta figure that out. You gotta figure out what you want. Because you know what Calum wants and you know he’s gonna do whatever you want. So for the sake of both of you, please figure out what you want before it’s too late, Luke.”

“I’m trying. I really am,” he says, desperate for Michael to believe him.

“I know you are. Just don’t give up on it, okay? It’s worth it. I think maybe that’s something you’re worried about and I just want you to know: he’s worth it.”

It scares him a little how much he needed to hear that. How much it makes his heart ache hearing Michael voice his concerns out loud and he feels like he might choke on his tongue with how heavy it feels. “Okay. Okay. I’m going to figure it out. I swear, I’m trying.”

“You don’t have to convince me. Convince him.”

The conversation is done after that. Michael says his goodbyes and reassures Luke that he’ll be fine -- everything will be fine -- and Luke tries to believe him. He paces the hallway for another fifteen minutes before going back to their room. He opens the door to see Calum sitting in the middle of Luke’s bed, much like he had before, but this time he just looks sad.

He looks up as Luke enters, smiling weakly, “Sorry about before. Sorry about last night. Sorry I’ve been so weird.”

“It’s fine.”

Calum’s face hardens and Luke says, “Stop. Don’t get mad. It _is_ fine. I’m not lying to you, Cal. I’m too tired to lie to you. I just wanna fix this. Whatever it is that needs to be fixed you’ve gotta believe me I’m _trying_ and if you want me to try harder, I will.”

He can’t bring himself to admit he knows about the text just yet but he’s trying to get there and Calum looks at Luke soft and relieved and Luke knows he’ll get there eventually. Knows that is Calum keeps letting him back in and showing him how things used to be he’ll get there. Because Calum is worth it -- Luke might be scared to ruin things but he knows Michael’s right. He knows Calum’s worth it. He just has to work up enough courage to act on it.

*

Austin is good. Luke feels like they spend their entire time eating and by the the time they leave he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to look at barbecue again without picturing lunch the second day. The way Calum had barbecue sauce all over his hands from eating ribs and how he’d tried to reach forward and use Luke’s face as a napkin and how he’d gone soft and smiley under the pressure of Luke’s hands on his wrists as Luke told him to stop, smiling shyly and letting his hands linger in Luke’s longer than would have been expected before pulling.

Leaving Austin, on the other hand, is not so good. Luke feels really good about where they’re at heading out of Austin but then it starts pouring down while they’re still an hour outside of Houston and it does nothing for the knots in Luke’s stomach that had finally started to ease away.

“Are you alright?” Calum asks after a particularly loud clap of thunder has Luke tightening his grip on the steering wheel and biting at his lip harder than usual in stress.

Luke doesn’t dare look over at Calum. He’s too nervous about the weather to take his eyes off the road but he can hear the concern in his voice and he tries not to sound too freaked out as he says, “Yeah. I’m fine. You know I don’t like storms.”

“I thought you’d gotten better about them, though? You look a little like you’re gonna pass out.”

“I have,” he says tightly, continuing when Calum doesn’t say anything, “Or I had! I don’t know. I’m not usually stuck in them in a car in the middle of a foreign city with someone I don’t know where I stand with anymore. I’m sorry if I’m a little more jumpy than usual.”

He’s being rude. He knows that. But it won’t stop thundering and he can barely see ahead of him and he really does not feel like talking about how he’s never grown out of his fear of thunderstorms right now. He fully expects Calum to counter him, to snap back, but all he says is, “Take the next exit, Luke. I’ll drive the rest of the way.”

*

The rain lets up to where it’s just drizzling by the time they pull into the parking lot of their next hotel and Luke’s never been so relieved to be at a new hotel than he is in this moment. The first thing he does after Calum opens the door is push past him and flop down on the nearest bed.

“Thanks for dropping your bag on my foot,” Calum says, but he’s laughing about it and Luke just waves his hand, murmuring, “Sorry,” into the sheets.

He should probably crawl further up into the bed, rest his head on a pillow or at least kick his shoes off before curling up on the bed, but he doesn’t. The car ride had been their shortest one yet but it felt ten times longer than all of them and Luke feels utterly drained from the anxiety of being in the middle of a storm in a foreign place. All he can muster is pulling his legs up and tucking them under the blanket that’s folded at the edge of the bed -- he doesn’t see himself moving from this place anytime in the near future.

Calum shuffles around the room for a bit before Luke hears his phone buzz and then Calum’s saying, “Smile for Mikey,” and laughing as Luke grumbles into the sheets, “No, don’t wanna.”

Calum’s laugh is closer now and Luke opens his eyes a little to find Calum at the edge of the bed with his phone held up, smiling down at Luke fondly and it makes him feel really warm -- makes him want to burrow down in this bed with Calum and never leave.

“Fine. I’m going to send him a picture of you pouting, then. He’ll think you’re having an awful time on your road trip. He’ll call you incessantly to tell you to cheer up. It’ll ruin your nap time. Do you want that?”

“Shhh. No teasing,” he says, reaching out and grabbing for Calum’s hand. He’s too far away to make contact but Calum comes, anyway. He sits at Luke’s side and touches at his hip quickly before saying, “You’re in a better mood, I see.”

Luke curls in closer to Calum, reaching his hand up and grabbing at the pillow behind him and tucks it under his head, looking back at Calum and shushing him, shaking his head slightly at where Calum’s looking at his phone, “No more talking.”

“It’s still early. You don’t wanna go out?”

Calum’s still looking at his phones, texting now, and Luke’s stomach flares up. He reaches out and tugs Calum’s phone out of his hand, tucking it under his side and Calum’s face twists up in exasperation, “Hey. I was using that!”

Luke shakes his head, smile creeping up over his face, “No more texting Michael.”

Calum bites his lip and Luke knows that look. Knows it’s the one he gives people when he’s trying not to be fond -- he’s seen it so often before but it almost feels brand new in this hotel room.

“You’re being particularly needy right now,” he says as the smile finally breaks through and Luke feels every bit of tension that had built up inside him since the rain started fly away. It feels like coming home.

He’d probably know better at any other point but he’s tired and it’s clouding his judgement. He reaches out again, this time tugging at Calum’s hand, “C’mere.”

Calum doesn’t move but he doesn’t pull his hand free of Luke’s. He just says Luke’s name softly and Luke tightens his grip a little on Calum’s wrist, pulling again, “I want a cuddle.”

It’s soft and quiet and he’s afraid to ask for more and Calum just smiles at him sadly, saying again, “Luke,” this time more warning than before.

“You’re always up for a cuddle,” Luke says as he pulls his hand away, letting go of Calum and curling in on himself again, feeling defensive all of a sudden.

Calum bites his lip, eyes looking everywhere but Luke and he finally gets it. Finally gets that he’s going to have to try harder to get Calum to see what he really wants and not just rely on things he would have done in the past. But it still hurts when Calum breathes out softly, sad smile on his face, “But I’m not now.”

“Okay, sorry.”

Calum smiles --actually smiles, not just something forced to make Luke feel better-- and says, “Nah, it’s fine. I’m just not very tired right now. Don’t wanna ruin your sleep.”

Luke might have believed him had he not yawned as he said it but he tries not to let his face fall too much and appreciates the way Calum leans forward and ruffles Luke’s hair for a second, pulling at his shoulder and changing the subject, “Come on, Luke. Let’s get you all tucked in, you’re obviously tired.”

Luke lets Calum tuck him in, lets him stroke his hair out of his face where it’s fallen from the rain, let’s him pull the blanket back up over him after taking his shoes off for him. He lets him lean down and whisper goodnight against the shell of his ear and doesn't do anything other than grab at his hand as is walks away, saying quietly, “Please, just stay a minute.”

Calum sighs and it sounds a little painful, like he’s working too hard not to say something else and Luke thinks maybe he shouldn't have asked but he wants so much. His fingers ache with how much he wants to touch Calum all over. How much he wants to pull him in the bed and wrap himself around him and tell him _you’re it for me, please don’t ever doubt that_ and kiss him everywhere just like Calum had wanted to all those months ago.

But it’s a soft, dull ache like a headache he needs to push away and he does just that because friendship is important. Calum is important. Calum’s worth it -- he knows that. But Luke is still so scared and he doesn’t think Calum’s friendship is worth losing just because he wants too much. He can’t stomach the idea of breaking it because he can’t stop imagining what Calum would feel like under him, how’d he’d taste, how he’d look flushed and begging for more. Calum is worth so much but Luke can’t handle the idea of losing him completely if whatever it is they have between them doesn’t work out. So he pushes it aside and tells himself he’s going to try and be friends -- friends is all he wants to be.

But Calum sits with him. He pulls his legs up on the bed and lets Luke curl into him and doesn’t move. He threads his fingers through Luke’s hair and scratches at his scalp like Luke’s always liked so much and he lets Luke curl up next to him and doesn’t say anything about how he doesn’t want to cuddle or how he’s not tired and Luke thinks maybe Calum is worth the risk.

*

In the morning he wakes up to Calum curled up at the edge of the bed. He’s facing Luke but he’s pushed himself all the way to the other end like he was afraid to touch and Luke wants to pull him forward, cuddle up to him and stay in this hotel room until they figure it out. Figure out whatever this is and how best to go about it. But Calum stirs awake before he can let himself have that and then the moment’s gone. Calum’s smiling back at him, tired and eyes still sticky with sleep, saying, “Morning, sunshine.”

His throat feels dry and it’s not just from sleeping. Calum looks at him like he could build a home with him, or at the very least love him -- like maybe he already does, if Michael is something to go by -- and it terrifies him all over again.

“Morning,” he says, rolling out of the bed as quickly as he can.

He can hear the tightness in his voice and hates himself for it. Hates how he can’t just let himself have these things without over thinking every aspect of it. Hates the way he can’t just tell Calum that he knows about the text, knows about his feelings, knows what Calum wanted, and that he wants it, too. He hates that he can’t stop being scared long enough to act on anything and he hates himself even more because he can’t just keep it together long enough to fix his friendship. But the feelings he has for Calum scare him and he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to figure anything out.

“Are you alright?”

Calum’s sitting up in the bed, rubbing at his eyes and his hair is sticking up at the back and Luke fidgets with the hem of his shirt, trying to force away the desire to reach out and touch him.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he lies. “I just wanna get going.”

“Is this about yesterday? What you said in the car?”

Luke laughs, caught off guard by the mention of the car, saying truthfully, “No, it’s not.”

“Are you sure? Because if you want to know you just have to ask.”

Calum’s out of the bed now. He’s moving toward his suitcase, pulling clothes out like nothing’s just happened and it makes Luke feel a little unhinged because Calum makes everything seem so easy -- so casual -- and it feels nothing like that to Luke. Nothing at all.

“What?” Luke says, genuinely confused, feeling only deepening when Calum turns around after stripping his shirt off, clothes tucked under his arm as he walks toward the bathroom, saying brightly, “If you want to know _where you stand with me_ just ask.”

“What?” he asks, louder this time and Calum presses himself close against Luke, one hand on Luke’s shoulder, lips close to the shell of Luke's ear, sayingt softly, “Just ask me.”

Luke’s stunned. He can’t move and Calum brushes past him and heads to the bathroom laughing, stilling only when Luke grabs his wrist, pulling him back gently.

“Calum,” Luke’s throat feels tighter than it was before and his heart hurts with how much he wants to hear the answer, asking slowly, “Where? Where do I stand?”

Calum just looks at him for a long time. His eyes dart from where Luke’s hand is held loosely around his wrist to the way Luke’s looking at him in a way that he’s sure is ridiculously pathetic. There’s a fire in Calum’s eyes that Luke’s never seen before and all he says is, “Wherever you want to stand, Luke.”

Luke knows he shouldn’t have expected it to be any easier than this but he really had hoped Calum would just tell him it was okay, tell him exactly how he felt so they could just move forward. But Luke knows he shouldn’t have expected Calum to give anything to him easily after he told Luke he needed to try harder -- after Luke said he would. Especially not when all Luke’s done is squabble with himself over how scared he is about losing Calum completely if he lets himself have anything he wants.

*

They don’t talk about it again that day; or really, Luke can’t talk about it and Calum doesn’t ask. Luke finally gets Calum’s inability to talk about why things have been so weird this entire time every time Luke has pressed the issue because now that it’s his turn to do the talking he can’t get the words out anymore than Calum could.

Luke appreciates that Calum doesn’t ask but it makes him feel just as edgy that Calum spends the rest of their time in Houston watching him carefully and Luke can’t help but wonder if this is how they’ll always be -- the two of them tiptoeing around each other until one of them finally snaps and comes clean.

It preoccupies his thoughts so much that he barely feels like he’s there the few days they spend in Houston. He finds it hard to pay attention to what’s going on around him because all he can think about is where he stands -- where he wants to stand -- with Calum and how he’s going to be able to swallow down his fears long enough to say _I want to stand by you as long as you’ll have me_.

Calum doesn’t seem to mind the fact that Luke shrinks in on himself, though. He just drags him around the city -- seeming to revel in the fact that Luke’s giving him free reign on what they do. Luke doesn’t think he’s seen him this happy since they were at the Grand Canyon and it does absolutely nothing for the bumbling feeling in his stomach asking for more.

It’s not until after they’re back from the Space Center-- until Luke’s tired and cranky and desperate to sleep-- that Calum asks him about it again.

“Are we ever going to talk about the other day?”

He asks it casually, like it’s nothing. Like he’s not asking Luke to decide what he wants from Calum after years of wanting, after years of wanting, after years of telling himself _no, you can’t have this_. He asks it like he’s asking him to choose which bed he wants to sleep on and it makes Luke’s skin crawl how casual Calum can be about this when Luke feels like he’s three days away from cracking up.

Calum looks a little nervous as the silence draws on and that eases Luke’s own nerves a little but he still doesn’t want to say anything that he can’t take back. Still doesn’t know how to form the words in his mouth that he wants to say.

Instead he says,“I can’t right now,” and hopes Calum will just leave it be for the night.

“Please?” Calum asks gently and Luke panics. His heart speeds up and he has to crawl into the bed and gather the pillows around him before he can speak. The weight of the pillows around him grounds him enough to where he doesn’t feel like he’s going to pass out with the way Calum’s looking at him expectantly, like he _needs_ something from Luke.

His hurried pillow fort gives him enough security to say, “Please, I can’t.”

The tables have turned and this feels so much like when Calum had told him he couldn’t talk about what’s been bothering him that Luke thinks Calum will understand -- or at the very least take pity on him -- and stop asking. But he doesn’t. That would be too easy.

“What do you want, Luke?”

He’s no longer casual. The nervousness is gone from his face and now he just sounds persistent, like he won’t give up and Luke gathers the pillows closer to his body, fitting his legs as close to his body as he can, wishing he could just shrink into the bed board and disappear.

“I want a lot,” he finally admits and Calum looks shocked.

He blinks rapidly, a faint blush creeping up over his skin and Luke wants to cry. He doesn’t like giving him any hope when all he can say next is, “I just need to figure it all out,” and watch as Calum’s face falls. Throat bobbing with how hard he swallows, lips pressed together in a thin line.

Calum’s voice is shaky when he responds and Luke’s never wanted to go back in time as much as he does when he hears, “Alright, but I can’t wait forever, Luke.”

Luke knows that’s fair and he doesn’t think he’s lying at all as he says, “I know. I just need a little more time.”

*

It should be hard for them to get through the next day’s drive. The two of them stuck in a car with an unsaid _I want you but I’m terrified_ hanging in the air should be unbelievably uncomfortable but for once the awkwardness doesn’t follow them through to the next day.

And that might honestly be the problem. Because Calum gives him what he wants but still holds so much out of Luke’s reach and it makes the ache in his body that’s built up throughout this trip grow tenfold. The desire to touch Calum growing with every smile Calum gives him, every laugh he shares, every moment that passes in the car where the two of them act like they had every moment before that text message was sent.

He’s dizzy with it by the time they check into their next hotel and he spends twenty minutes extra in the shower trying to wash the feeling away. It doesn’t wash away and it doesn’t fade and seeing Calum tucked up in bed with his hair flattened out against his forehead as he falls asleep does absolutely nothing but make it flare up even more.

Luke can’t sleep that night. He knows he needs to, knows they have to do more driving in the morning but the sound of Calum’s calm breathing keeps him awake and the fact that Michael won’t text him back makes him nervous. He has nothing to do but think and it makes him fidgety and even more restless than he was before they got here but no matter how tired he is or how much he wants to -- he can’t fall asleep.

Eventually, he just gives up. He plays on his phone in the dark until his eyes hurt and then he lies on his back looking at the ceiling wondering if Calum will understand and just let him sleep the whole way to St. Louis in order to let him catch up on sleep. He doesn’t like it but he jumps when Calum’s voice comes through the quiet of the room, low and sleepy, a little concerned, “Why’re you still awake?”

Somehow Calum’s voice is just what Luke needs to feel tired. It’s calming and all the jitters fade away the moment he speaks. Luke’s body feels calm and heavy like he could pass out immediately, now.

“Dunno, couldn’t sleep before,” he admits.

Luke can hear Calum moving in the bed next to him but he doesn’t want to look away from the ceiling, doesn’t want to move and ruin the sleepiness that’s finally come over him but Calum’s crawling into the bed next to him and all of Luke’s nerves are once again on edge.

“Seems like you need a cuddle,” Calum says wrapping himself around Luke and it’s exactly what he wanted just the other day and he can’t resist relaxing into Calum’s body. Calum hugs him tightly before rolling over off of him. He stays close to Luke’s side and Luke’s fingers find Calum’s wrist, keeping him close and Calum’s laughter fills the quiet room. It’s soft and sweet and Luke never wants it to end. But Luke never seems to be able to make a good thing last for too long. He could probably blame it on the fact that it’s nearly five in the morning, or the fact that he hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in so long, but honestly, it’s probably just his own fault for not being able to stop wanting so much from Calum.

Calum shifts closer to him and Luke turns his head to look at Calum and Calum’s looking back him, eyes soft and a little puffy from sleeping and he looks so soft and welcoming and Luke throws caution to the wind, thinks _this is what you’ve both been wanting for so long_ and leans forward and kisses Calum. It’s timid and chaste, just a small brush of his lips on Calum’s and Calum responds, pushing forward for a moment, deepening the kiss slightly before his whole body tenses next to Luke and he pulls away, coughing awkwardly.

“No, no,” Calum shakes his head, and Luke thinks maybe he’s blushing but it’s dark and his eyes hurt from lack of sleep and he can’t tell. The only thing he can tell is Calum’s got a sort of pained look on his face and Luke feels like he’s going to throw up.

He feels hot all over. There could not be a low enough setting on the air conditioning unit humming softly at the window strong enough to cool Luke down in this moment. His throat feels tight and he moves away from Calum as quickly as he can, getting tangled up in the sheets a bit as he goes.

“Oh, God. I’m so sor- I thought that’s what - I’m just. _Sorry_.”

Luke is completely frantic. His body feels like it’s thrumming with the force of how uncomfortable he is and Calum’s not saying anything. He tries to roll out of the bed and go for a walk but his feet get stuck in the sheets again and he ends up tripping a little, stirring Calum to finally talk, “Be careful, Luke.”

Luke laughs, dry and bitterly, the sound unkind in the quiet of the room and he hears Calum suck in a sharp breath but Luke doesn’t look back, doesn’t say anything. He just hurries out of the room, not bothering with his shoes, just grabbing his phone from the bedside table and going.

It takes him seven times before Michael picks up and it takes everything in Luke to keep his voice even, to keep from shouting down the line when he asks, “What the _fuck_ , Michael?”

“Luke, what’s going on?”

Luke feels a moment of guilt wash over him at the sound of Michael’s voice, thick and scratchy, and Luke knows it’s late, knows Michael would have been sleeping but he feels like every bit of air has been sucked out of him and he needs his best friends -- needs to hear Michael tell him that whatever just happened is going to be okay.

“You told me he’d take whatever I gave him! You told me that! You told me and I fucking listened to you and now everything is going to be ruined.”

“You’ve gotta slow down, man, I have no idea what’s going on I just woke up.”

Luke sinks down against the wall, bringing his knees up to his chest and resting his chin on the tops, breathing in slowly to try and calm down. Michael doesn’t rush him, just lets him breathe in and out until he can finally get the words out, can finally stop panicking long enough to say, “I kissed him, Michael. I kissed him and he pulled away saying ‘no.’”

“Oh,” Michael says, soft and shocked and it does absolutely nothing to calm Luke at all.

“I thought. You told me he liked me. You told me I needed to make a move. Hell, he fucking told me just a few days ago that I stand wherever I want to stand with him and now I have no idea what anything means.”

He’s going to cry. He can feel it building up behind his eyes and the back of his throat is starting to burn and he hates it. He hates that he’s in the middle of nowhere with no one in sight other than the person he wants to be with most -- the person that apparently no longer wants the same from him -- and his best friend miles away, only a quiet voice on the other end of the phone. Michael can’t soothe him, not now, not when all he needs is his hug. He needs for Michael to scoop him up and make him feel small and stay with him until this passes, until the storm building up inside of him saying _you ruined the one thing you never wanted to lose_ fades away.

“Lukey, please. Don’t cry.”

“I’m not,” he says, wiping the tears away from his eyes, laughing shakily, “I’m just tired. It’s got nothing to do with this.”

“Alright, well then why don’t you go to sleep?” Michael asks, going along with the lie easily and Luke appreciates it -- appreciates Michael’s ability to stay almost entirely neutral in this situation.

“Not really tired at the moment," he says, and that’s not a lie, but Michael clucks his tongue disbelievingly and Luke admits, “Can’t really go back in the room right now. He’s probably still awake.”

“Maybe that’s a good thing. I think you need to talk about this.”

“Mikey, have you listened to anything I just said?”

He can’t stop laughing and maybe it’s a sign that he should have gone to sleep hours ago or maybe it’s a sign that the stress of being in love with one of his best friends is finally getting to him. But whatever it is, Luke feels like he’s cracking up and when Michael says, “Yes, I have and that’s why I think you need to _talk_ to him,” he laughs even harder.

“I can’t talk to him! That’s the goddamn problem. I asked him why things have been so weird. I’ve asked him so many times and he won’t tell me. But I _know_! I know why it’s been weird and I can’t tell him anymore than he can tell me. And then he asks me what I want and God, Mikey, I know exactly what I want but I can’t fucking tell him. I can’t talk to him. How ridiculous is that? He’s my best friend and I can’t even tell him that I know about a text message he sent me when you two were hammered let alone tell him all I wanna do is love him.”

“Oh, Luke,” Michael breathes out and it lets him know he sounds just as pathetic as he feels, cheeks burning.

Neither of them talk for a long moment and Luke thinks maybe Michael might have fallen back asleep without meaning to but then he says sternly, “Luke Hemmings, you need to talk to him. Don’t cut me off, let me finish. You two have gotten so fucked up this year and it’s killing me to see and I know if you just talk to him you’ll work it out.”

“I listened to you about making a move and look where that got me.”

The bitterness in his voice is not as bad as it could have been but he still apologizes, rushing out, “Sorry, it’s not your fault. I just don’t think that’s going to work, man. I think it’s all too fucked up at this point.”

“That’s not true. You just need to --”

“Talk to him. I know. But it’s not that easy. We’re both keeping too much stuff from each other and I tried to tell him without words and it didn’t exactly work out in my favor.”

“You ever think maybe you freaked him out?”

“Yeah, freaked him out because his text was as much of a drunken mistake as I’ve thought it was the entire time,” he says thickly, tears stinging at the back of his eyes again.

“What? No, that’s not. You can’t think that.”

Michael sounds like he’s pleading with Luke and Luke just wants to end the conversation, finally go to sleep and pretend none of this had ever happened. Maybe even wake up in the morning and tell Calum that they should just go home, forget about the rest of the trip because it’s just not worth ruining whatever else they have left by sticking it out.

“Of course I think that. I just _kissed him_ and he kissed me back and then pulled away. How am I supposed to feel right now?”

“You didn’t tell me he kissed you back.”

Luke can hear the smile in Michael’s voice and it calms him in the way only Michael could right now and he laughs, “Don’t make this out to be a good thing! He still pulled away.”

“It _is_ a good thing.”

“Don’t really see how that’s the case. But maybe you’re right. Maybe this is the start to us figuring it out. I don’t know. I’m too tired to think about this anymore. We’re supposed to be leaving this place tomorrow. Dunno how I’m gonna get through the drive.”

Michael’s response is laughter and Luke doesn’t understand why until he’s saying, “God, you would pick the middle of the night before you’re supposed to be driving in a small car to kiss him.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know. I’m a fucking idiot.”

Michael’s voice takes on a protective quality he only hears once in a while and it makes Luke’s stomach swoop in fondness, heart aching to see Michael again when this is all done, “No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying you two both have piss poor timing and need to work through it _together_.”

Luke can picture the way Michael’s probably wiggling his eyebrows suggestively and he can’t help but laugh, missing the way Michael can always turn every awkward moment into something funny if he tries hard enough, “Alright. Alright. Don’t get too hopeful. But I’ll let you know. I really should be sleeping now.”

Michael doesn’t hold him any longer, he’s yawning on the other end just as much, but before Luke hangs up he says fiercely, “Be careful, Lukey. Don’t go getting yourself hurt either.”

“I’ll try.”

*

They don’t have time to talk in the morning. Calum doesn’t wake Luke up this time and he doesn’t manage to wake himself up until twenty minutes before checkout. The car ride isn’t as tense as Luke thought it would be but it’s not as comfortable as they had started being, either.

Calum tries to talk to him but Luke can’t get out more than one word replies and he eventually just gives up. He spends the rest of the time texting what Luke can only assume is Michael from the dopey smile on his face and Luke wonders if everyone catalogs Calum’s different smiles the way he does or if that’s just something that’s happened because he’s been a little bit in love with him for so long. It makes Luke tired, though, noticing so much about Calum and he wishes he could just turn it off. He wishes he could go back to when they were still very clearly just friends and things were easier because trying not to feel these things for the sake of a friendship he doesn’t know still exists the same way is exhausting and he just wants to fix it already.

His phone starts buzzing in his pocket as they pull up to the next hotel. He doesn’t look at it until they’re finally settled in the next room and isn't surprised in the slightest to see that he has a missed call and three new texts from Michael.

He reads through the messages quickly and can’t help but smile as he does.

_Answer your phone you dick_

_You should be good to talk to him tonight if you if you want…_

_I think I did a good job of buttering him up for you. You should be in the clear_

A fondness soars up inside of him and Luke is so happy that he has someone like Michael in his life. He really is keeping them both together even though he’s nowhere in sight and Luke owes him for it.

“Michael’s texting you now? I’ll have to scold him for cheating on me when we get home.”

It’s the first time Calum has spoken to him in hours and it feels so normal that the cloud that’s been hanging over him all day starts to fade away and he feels alright -- feels like he can do this.

“Not if I get to him first. He’s been keeping you occupied all day.”

There’s a fiery look in Calum’s eyes after Luke says it and he thinks maybe Calum might yell at him, might tell him his joke was horrible after Luke’s ignored him all day but Calum’s shoulders just slump and he sits on the bed at the right of the room and crosses his legs, suddenly looking very solemn, saying, “Are you ready to talk about last night, then?”

Luke’s not ready -- he doesn’t think he’ll ever be ready, honestly -- but Calum’s giving him an opportunity to finally fix this and he has to take it while it lasts. Luke sits on the bed across from Calum and tries not to be nervous. He tries to think of all the times he’s shared his secrets with Calum over the years and how he’s never once turned his back on Luke. He tells himself this shouldn’t be any different -- that underneath it all they’re still best friends and that it’ll be fine.

“I know about your text message.’’

The color drains from Calum’s face and his voice is choked, “What?”

“I know about that text you sent me. Please don’t make me say it. You know the one.”

Luke’s never seen Calum blush as hard as he does then. His face goes bright red and the color creeps down his neck and he lets out a small little _oh_ before smiling awkwardly, saying, “I guess you know why it’s been so weird lately, then.”

“Guess so,” Luke says, happy that this isn’t going to be completely horrible.

But then Calum asks the one thing he was hoping he wouldn’t and Luke knows it won’t stay calm once he answers -- knows he should have expected this.

“How long have you known?”

The tenseness between the two of them fills the room and Luke once again feels like he’s on fire and he can’t look at Calum when he says, “All along.”

Calum stands up. He scrubs his hands over his face and the blush that remains on his cheeks just amplifies the anger in his eyes. Luke wishes he wouldn’t have looked, wishes he would have just kept his eyes on the ground and not let himself see how angry Calum is-- but most of all he just feels horrible for waiting so long to tell Calum the truth about this.

“What was the point of asking me why things have been so weird, then? Why’d you push the issue so much if you already knew? Were you just trying to _embarrass_ me?”

“What? No. _No_. I was just confused.”

Calum doesn’t give him the chance to explain anymore. He doesn’t let Luke tell him that he’s wanted this for so long he’s just been too scared to ruin what they have -- what Luke holds so dearly to him -- he doesn’t give him the chance to say anything at all. He just grabs Luke’s keys and says, “I don’t want to hear it right now,” and walks out without another word.

He doesn’t come back for another hour and when he does Luke’s surprised because he doesn’t look angry anymore. He’s got a case of beer under his arm and an amused look on his face. He sets the beer down on the desk and then says, “Okay Lucas, you’ve got ten minutes to explain yourself and then we’re getting drunk.”

“What?”

Calum smiles-- genuinely smiles --and Luke doesn’t think he’ll ever stop being confused by anything ever again.

“You have ten minutes to tell me what the fuck you’ve been doing this entire time -- what you’ve been doing the last four months not telling me you knew about _that_.” Calum’s face goes hard briefly and then it slips back into his smile and Luke’s heart speeds up as he finishes, “and then we’re gonna get drunk. Because I’m tired of all this. I just wanna have fun with you again.

“Calum, I don’t--”

“Luke, I swear to God. _I swear to God!_ I do not want to hate you. I do not want to think that you have been sitting here with this information for the last four months and let me _pine over you_ for so long and not say anything for no good reason. I need you to tell me why and then I need to forget about it. I need to go back to being your best friend because I can’t _do this_. I love you and I’m going out of my mind like this. I just want to be your friend again. Okay? So you’re going to tell me and then we’re gonna get hammered and pretend like the last few months haven’t happened. Because I miss you, alright?”

“I miss you, too.”

Calum opens the pack of beer and then tosses one to Luke before sitting down on the bed across from Luke, just as they had been before, smiling, “Then tell me what’s going on so we can fix this.”

He takes a sip of the beer for something to do and tries to find the words to say, the words that will fix this and not just make things worse, finally settling on, “I love you but that terrifies me.”

“Okay.”

Calum’s sipping at his beer and looking at Luke like everything’s fine -- like he really is just going to let him talk through this explanation without judging him and it spurs Luke on, makes him feel comfortable enough to continue.

“I just -- you freak me out. I don’t want to lose you.”

Calum raises his eyebrow at that, smiling around his can of beer and Luke laughs, short and hollow and says, “Yeah, funny that. Since I’ve not been doing a very good job of keeping you lately. But that’s part of the problem! I just want it all. I want everything from you. And I can’t really have that can I?”

Calum sets his beer down, taps his fingers on his legs like he always does when he’s nervous and asks softly, “And why can’t you?”

The shift in Calum’s mood makes Luke even more nervous, his skin is burning and he knows he’s blushing and he can’t stop biting his lip. He feels like he’s going to pass out with how labored his breathing is at this point -- with how hard it is for him to talk to Calum now.

“What? Calum, please don’t play around with me. You know why I can’t have everything.”

Calum shakes his head, lips twitching up into a smile, and Luke’s starting to get angry, nostrils flaring, “This isn’t fair. Stop. I get that you’re trying to make me feel bad for fucking around with your feelings but you told me that I stood wherever I wanted to with you and then I _kissed you_ and you pulled away. You made it pretty clear last night that I can’t have everything I want.”

Calum’s not smiling anymore. He looks at Luke very carefully, face schooled into something neutral as he thinks and Luke downs his entire beer before Calum talks again. His words come slowly, very carefully, “That’s not fair, either. You walked out.”

“Because you told me no and I was embarrassed! I thought I just ruined the one thing I’ve been trying so hard to hold onto this entire time!”

He can’t sit still anymore. He feels entirely too jittery now. He stands up and walks over to the case of beer, whispering as he goes, only able to admit it when he’s no longer facing Calum, “I thought you didn’t want me.”

“Luke,” Calum says quietly from the bed and Luke can’t look back, can’t bear to see his face, just says, “No forget it. Like you said, I just wanna have fun with you again. You just want to be my friend and I get that. It was a drunken mistake you made when you were trashed with Michael and I get that. It’s fine. I’ll get over it. I thought that’s what you wanted and I’m _sorry_ for messing everything up.”

“Luke,” Calum says again. This time he’s closer, he has one hand on Luke’s hip and the other taking the beer out of Luke’s hand and setting it down on the table. He turns Luke around and Luke’s stomach twists uncomfortably with how he’s looking at him.

“Hey, will you stop. Just for three seconds. Let me explain.”

He waits for Luke to nod, doesn’t say anything until Luke gives him permission and it makes his stomach flip, saying, “Okay.”

“I pulled away because you terrify me just the same. God, Luke, you read that message and _I know_ Michael called you after. And if the way he’s been talking to me this entire trip is anything to go off of I know he’s been talking to you this summer trying to get us together. I know you know I care about you so don’t - you didn’t have to worry like that. I’ve wanted you this entire time. It hasn’t changed at all since I sent you that message.”

He pauses, biting his lip nervously and Luke holds his breath waiting for him to continue, breathing out in relief when he closes the gap and kisses him, pulling away and saying softly against Luke’s mouth, “I still want to kiss you everywhere. That hasn’t changed one bit.”

It finally clicks then, that this is something that Luke can have. That Calum is something that he doesn’t have to be afraid of because Calum still wants him -- Calum wants to take this risk with him. Luke wraps his arm around Calum’s waist and pulls him in, deepening the kiss. It’s frantic and needy and nothing less than Luke would have expected after wanting for so long. Calum tastes like cheap beer and his lips are chapped but it’s the best kiss Luke’s ever had and it does nothing to quell anything he’s wanted this entire trip -- it just makes him want more.

He moves Calum back toward the bed, their feet getting caught up in each other and Calum pulls back and huffs out, laughing, “Are we doing this? Are you sure you’re not just doing this out of pity?”

It’s a joke and Calum’s laughing but Luke knows Calum and he knows the way his voice twists up around his laugh when he’s nervous, trying to hide his fears in a joke, and he surges forward kissing Calum harder this time. “Shut up, shut up. That’s not even funny. I want this. I want you. I love you, you idiot.”

Calum’s laugh is warm and bright and he pushes softly at Luke’s shoulders. “Is that how you secure all your new relationships with people? Tell ‘em they're an idiot? We really gotta work on this, Lucas.”

“You’re infuriating sometimes, you know that?”

“Only because you are,” he says, mouth twitching up as he bites his lips trying not to smile.

Luke pushes Calum back against the bed and the smile transforms into something else, something more desperate. His cheeks are flushed and his mouth is slightly parted in surprise and Luke wants this more than anything -- wants Calum more than anything he’s ever wanted.

Calum sees him stall, sees the way his body goes slack with nerves and reaches out and pulls him forward. He lands on top of Calum awkwardly and Calum laughs against Luke’s neck, whispering, “Come on, it’s just me. Don’t gotta be nervous.”

Luke thinks that’s exactly why he has to be nervous because this is _Calum_ but then Calum’s kissing the skin behind Luke’s ear and the nerves seep away, replaced by a need to touch and be touched. Calum moves quickly, taking Luke’s clothes off and kissing him in kind and it makes Luke’s body flush and his breath hitch. Calum sucks marks into Luke’s skin, everywhere he can. He scatters marks around his collarbones, then he trails down Luke’s chest, stopping at each nipple until Luke’s squirming underneath him and he pulls up and smirks at Luke and he blushes deeper, brighter red, skin burning with the way Calum makes him feel.

Calum kisses at his hips as he undoes his jeans, biting softly at the skin above the hem and Luke breathes in sharp, nearly choking on his words, “I don’t have anything. We don’t - fuck - we don’t have anything.”

Calum’s hand is warm against Luke’s dick and it makes his head spin, not wanting this to end but not wanting to wait anymore. Calum’s cheeks tinge pink, and he looks bashful, “I have - I have stuff.”

Luke doesn’t mean to laugh, this is probably no time to be laughing -- with his dick in Calum’s hand as he works him off slowly, blushing about being prepared -- but he can’t help it. “Did you pack just in case?”

“Shut up! Maybe. Didn’t want to risk it. Which,” he looks down at his hand, thumbing over the slit of Luke’s cock and Luke’s hips buck forward a bit and Calum smirks, finishing, “all things considered was awfully smart of me.”

“Jesus, just get a move on then.”

Calum stops moving all together, sitting up on the heels of his feet and looking down at Luke, reprimanding. He can’t hold it long, though, his face twitches up in a smile soon and he laughs out, shoulders shaking with it.

He gets off the bed and rustles through his bag and comes back with a condom and a bottle of lube and he stills for a second and Luke thinks it’s his time to reassure Calum. He pushes the rest of the way out of his jeans and tries not to laugh as he says, “Are you going to fuck me or not?”

Calum blushes bright red but he peels off his shirt and steps out of his jeans and Luke thinks it should be more uncomfortable standing in front of each other, hard and flushed, about to have sex, but it’s not and that makes Luke’s stomach flip. He pulls Calum forward by the hand, and Calum settles in front of Luke, only stilling his fidgeting with the condom packet when Luke says softly, “No need to be nervous. It’s just me.”

Calum doesn’t need much encouragement after that -- everything moving quickly and in a haze then. Luke tries to remember the feel of Calum’s hand around him, the way he kneels down and kisses his hip before he pushes his first finger in. The way he swallows Luke down as he fucks him open with his fingers. He tries to block out the sounds he makes, the soft murmurs of Calum’s name at the back of his throat and the way he can’t stop squirming. It makes him blush harder, he can see the flush creeping up over his entire body and he’d be embarrassed but Calum smiles up at him encouragingly as Luke squirms under his touch, saying, “You look so good like this.”

Luke has to look away, his cheeks burning too bright, too red, too hot under the intensity of Calum’s stare as he asks, “Are you ready?”

He mumbles into his shoulder, still not able to look at Calum, “Yeah, yeah,” and then he can’t focus on anything other than the stretch and burn of Calum pushing into him.

It’s overwhelming -- too much and not enough all at the same time -- and he has to pull Calum forward into a kiss to keep his mouth shut, to keep from making too much noise in this tiny little hotel room. Calum fucks into Luke hard and fast and Luke grips at his hips tightly, sucking in a sharp breath as Calum reaches between them and starts working him off in time with each of his thrusts.

Luke comes first, warm and sticky over Calum’s hand and he has to muffle the sound of his groan in the crook of his elbow and Calum follows shortly after, his thrusts coming in short and more erratic. They lie there panting against each other until Luke gets hot and pushes Calum off, scrunching up his nose at the mess between the two of them, laughing when Calum says, “The only solution to this problem is a shower.”

He waggles his eyebrows suggestively and Luke’s heart swells with fondness, completely endeared by how much of the same person Calum is even after all this time, even after doing something that has altered their relationship so much.

“Probably is. But I think it’ll be a bit of a squeeze for both of us.”

He bites his lip, trying his best to keep a straight face, but Calum sees right through it. He stands up and pulls Luke with him, laughing as he drags Luke behind him, “I think we’ll manage.”

“Yeah, I think we will,” Luke agrees.

He’s talking about the shower but the look Calum gives him as he drags him into the shower and under the stream of the water lets him know it’s not just the shower either of them are actually talking about. They’ll talk about it fully later. They’ll work out the details eventually but Calum tickles Luke's hips under the guise of soaping him off and Luke knows that whatever happens after this -- they’ll manage.


End file.
